A Look Back....

5 years ago this week, my life was turned completely upside down. My marriage was ending, I was 5 months pregnant, on bed rest after years of trying and 3 miscarriages,  and an 11 year old daughter whose life was  also completely changing before  her eyes. I had no idea how I was going to pull through this, how do I help Danaka realize that none of this was her fault and that we would be ok!

It has been a grieving process for me. I know that is a weird way to compare it, but I truly feel as though something died that day. I know that what happened the day that Greg left was supposed to happen and that the "overtime you'll get over it" statement would probably ring true, but I lost so much that day. I lost my little family, I lost who I thought was my best friend and eternal companion, I lost the second family that I had the privilege of being a part of 13 years. There were days I felt great and days I just cried. There are still days that I miss certain things, but I guess that is how that process works.

The part that was so hard for me is that once again I had to heavily rely on my family, and my 11 year old. For the first 5 years of her life it was me and her, she pulled me through some pretty tough times during that stage and here she was again, without her realizing it, she was once again my rock. I got up in the morning and put on the happiest face I could for her. One day I will be able to fully explain to her what is was she did for me.

My sweet J came in to our lives that November. She was such a sweet easy going baby. Since Danaka started to begin her teenage years and the constant need to be busy, Jayci kept me busy, and my mind off a lot of "what could have been". Life was I guess as it was supposed to be and I had to come to terms with it.

Danaka and Jayci gave me a reason to smile, they gave me a reason to get up in the morning and to try and be the best mom that I could. It is amazing to me the influence and impact that children have in our lives.

As time has marched on since that July 5 years ago. Life has been rough, but life has also been amazing. I am a better person and mom than I was back then. I appreciate things that I didn't use to appreciate. I have done things to better myself, my life and the life that I have tried to give my girls.

I made the decision to go back to school. There are many reasons why I went back to school. I wanted to feel secure, I wanted to challenge myself, I wanted to prove to my girls that anything was possible, I was told over and over that is what I was supposed to be doing, and to get my mom off my back, in a good way. She was so worried about me dating that she encouraged me over and over to go to school, I think in hopes to meet someone. When I told her I finally enrolled she was thrilled, until I told her it was all online. More time at home, and more time that I couldn't devote to meeting someone. I also did online classes, because the thought of meeting new people and dating scared me. I had been on a few dates, but nothing worth writing home about. School was now my scape goat to keep me busy on the weekends the girls were gone, I had an excuse not to venture out.

Life is so good right now. I feel blessed beyond what I deserve. My girls are healthy, for the most part we are happy. They are both thriving at everything they do. They love me which is more than I could ask for. I have a family that supports me, loves me and helps me in any way that they can, friends that have stood by me and supported me, and I have met or should I say have been re-acquainted with someone who has become my best friend and someone that I could see spending forever with (that is a story that I will pick up later).

This post is to more or less start my story again, to thank everyone who has helped me through my life and for me to remember that I have made it through and I can begin to close this chapter as another is opening up.