I said way back in April that I was going to start blogging more, I need to and want to, but girls, life, work and school are consuming me and some days sucking me under. I wanted to post an assignment that I had to do for my English class. We were told that we could take any piece of writing, a letter, a song, a poem, a story, anything that has touched our lives and incorporate that in a narrative essay. This was an easy topic and knew exactly what I wanted to write about. Sitting and down and actually writing it was a different story. It was hard. It was hard beyond belief. It brought back so many emotions, regrets, fears, joys, sorrows and peace. With Danaka starting high school this year it was a perfect time for this paper to be due. It is a little long but wanted to share, or make sure that I had another place that it was kept.
There Goes My Life
There I was sitting downstairs on my bed. I was 16 years old wondering what was going to happen and how I would make it through. As I sat there crying, I heard footsteps walking downstairs and my bedroom door open.
Standing at the doorway with a look that spoke volumes, my dad said "Mo, don't worry. I know easier said than done, but no matter what decision you make I will support you and help you in any way that I can. I love you" and without another word spoke he turned and walked away.
My dad spoke those words in a way that I will never forget. The only time that my nick name was used is when he was happy, and that was obviously not the case now. My parents had just found out that I was pregnant and I wasn't giving them or me much time to make a decision or prepare for what was going to happen. I was already 30 weeks along.
There were not many options that could be explored when you are 30 weeks along. Keeping the baby, or giving the baby up for adoption. All I wanted was for this to be all over, to wake up from this bad dream.
I was on drill team, I was an honor student. I had only had one serious boyfriend. He came from a strong LDS family and we were only together one time, "one time" I kept telling myself. This doesn't happen to kids like us. There was no way that this was true.
Every thought possible went through my head. If I keep the baby I can't be me anymore. No more drill team, no more dance classes, no more hanging out with friends. If I don't keep the baby, what will I think when I am no longer a teenager, what will I tell my future children and how will I explain it to a future spouse?
The next day was a day that I will never forget. There is much about that time that I don't remember, or have chosen to forget, but not this day. My parents and I walked in to a cold and uninviting place. The heavier set woman that sat at the counter looked up and said with a cold tone to her voice "what can I help you with?" Afraid to speak I looked at my mom and then at my dad and prayed for one of them to talk so that I wouldn't have to tell her what I had done. My dad told the Planned Parenthood worker why we were there. She gave me this disappointed look, like I really need her to add to what was already going on, or like I cared what she thought of me.
We walked through these doors and she asked me questions, and the one question she looked at me like "yeah right, you bet you are" was when she asked me how far along I thought I was.
She told me to go to the restroom so that we could get a urine sample to find out if I was in fact pregnant. I wasn't really showing at that time, I will still wearing my size 2 jeans, and lucky for me April can sometimes still have a chill in the air, so I got away with wearing baggy sweatshirts. One month before this day I was competing in the State Drill team competition.
I did everything she asked me to do and went and sat back down with my parents. About five minutes later she came and asked me and my parents to follow her. She sat us down and confirmed that I was pregnant. I seriously just wanted to say "really, you don't say". She proceeded to say that I would need an ultrasound to determine exactly how far along I was, because I wasn't being honest with her or myself. "Why don't you just keep throwing the punches lady, because I don't think I have had enough yet!" This is all that kept running through my mind at that moment.
She led me again, down a hallway into another room. They completed the ultrasound and confirmed that I was in fact about 30 weeks pregnant. I wanted to stand on the table and shout at the gray haired, heavy set lady wearing a very loud flower shirt "see I told you so!"
She gave us some pamphlets with information and told us to have a nice day, like we had just bought a puppy or something.
An appointment was set up with a doctor. On my first initial visit I felt comfortable for the first time throughout this whole process. My doctor, a male, which I specifically did not want, but was the only doctor available on such short notice, was right out of medical school. He immediately put me at ease. He began by telling me that he would do everything he could to help me through this and that my life as I know it was not over, but was just going to change. I could take my life in any direction I wanted. "You can rise to the challenge, or you can let it ruin you, the choice is in your hands. Have you thought about whether you would like to keep the baby or give the baby away?" I couldn't answer, and I just hung my head and shook it no.
"You know, my wife had a child when I met her. She was young when she had her baby, so to tell you that I know what you are going through and if you decided to keep the baby what you will go through is not a lie." I then saw what a blessing it had been that he was the only doctor that could fit me in his schedule.
During a routine appointment, if anything was routine at that point, it was discovered that something was not right. I was immediately sent up to the high risk unit at the U of U for more extensive tests. I remember the drive up to the U wondering what could be wrong and what was going to happen.
It was my fault that I didn't go to my parents sooner. My baby would have been ok if I would have told my parents earlier. During the ultrasound and tests people just kept repeating how lucky I was that I was ok and that the baby was ok. "You don't know how lucky you are" what choice words to say to a pregnant 16 year old. "Are you kidding, lucky? You consider this luck?"
With many tests it was determined that the baby was ok, I needed to be watched carefully, but that the baby would be fine. During the scare of health issues with me and my unborn baby, I had made the decision to keep this baby.
"All he could think about is
I'm too young for this,
got my whole life ahead of me,
hell I'm just a kid myself
how am I gonna raise one."
"All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone."
"There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life......."
On June 28, 1996 I had a sweet baby girl, who kept her sex a secret until the day she arrived. She weighed in at a 7lbs 11 oz. and 20 ½ inches. When my doctor delivered her via C-section, there was no "Congratulations, it's a girl", but "Where in world were you keeping her?" The delivery room had bets going on how much she would weigh, the highest weight was just over 6lbs.
When they placed my daughter in my mom's arms I remember looking over at her, and for the first time in months I knew somehow things would be ok.
Danaka was every parent's dream of a perfect baby. She slept all through the night from the night we brought her home, she was never sick, she ate, she entertained herself, and she loved me for me.
"A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah..........he loves that little girl."
"Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls"
The years have marched on, I went from being a single mom, to marrying her dad, back to being a single mom and she has been with me through it all.
My daughter entered her sophomore year of high school this year. She truly is an amazing child, she is a 4.0 High Honor roll student, plays varsity softball and is the only sophomore on the Varsity Cheerleading squad. Every time I walk in to her high school a flood of memories come racing back. It was a short 15 years ago, that I stood in those same halls wondering what in the world was going to happen. Reality has set in that soon enough I will be sending her off to college, watching her get married and having a life she deserves.
"She had that Honda loaded down.
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast."
"And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye."
"There goes my life" by Kenny Chesney came out in 2004. It has summed up how I felt, what I am feeling now and what I am sure to feel. Every time I hear this song it brings so many emotions to the surface, each and every day I feel incredibly grateful for Danaka and now her sweet little sister Jayci. I truly did think my life was over, but it just took a different direction. Each time I watch her dance, cheer, play ball, or just be her, I am watching "my life".
