When I Least Expected It...

I was comfortable with the fact that I probably wouldn't meet someone. I was fine being alone, and I was doing ok. There were moments when I wished that I had someone by me for certain things, but I couldn't risk being hurt again, and this time also subjecting my girls to possibly being hurt.

A friend approached me over 2 years ago and said she wanted to "hook" me up with Corey, a guy that I had gone through all of Junior High and High School with. Corey and I didn't have much to do with each other, but knew of each other. I didn't think much of it and told her it was fine to give him my number.

I remember the first time we talked, June 23rd 2010. The ONLY reason I can remember that date, is that I was at a hotel with Danaka and 5 of her friends for her surprise birthday party, so when he called I gladly accepted the break from the madness. We talked for such  a long time that night, just got re-acquainted, I guess you could say.

We met for lunch that following week. I walked away thinking he was nice, but immediately started to try and find every excuse I could why I shouldn't like him, but looking back now, I think the reason why I did that was because, that date was easy. Even though Corey probably only said 10 words because of how shy he is, it was comfortable.

The next weekend we went out with JR and Mindy (friend responsible :) ) to dinner and then back to their house to play games. Once again nothing out over the top, and same feelings as when I left lunch.

For about a year and half, we would go on a couple of dates, talk a lot, and then he would seriously just disappear (I blame it on solely on him, but in reality I had my magic disappearing moments).  Every few months or so he would pop back in and again the journey started and again it was reason after reason why I couldn't like him!

In January, I was talking to Mindy and mentioned that we had just talked on Christmas for a few minutes, but nothing else  and that I missed him. I finally admitted to myself that I liked him, but that the ball was in his court. I was not going to be the instigator (fear taking over again). About 2 weeks later, out of the blue I got a text. Things just kinda took off from there. No more disappearing :), we talked everyday, went on dates. I was not going to admit to him or anyone that I liked him. I was pretty sure he didnt' really like me, he was still shy as shy could be, nothing to indicate that he liked me, and I mean NOTHING!

In May right before my finals we went out to dinner and for the first time, face to face, we just talked about everything. After he left that night with the sweetest, most simple kiss, I started listing all the reasons why I really liked him. He was genuine, there is nothing fake. You get what you see. The October before that in one of our "dating periods" he dropped his plans of driving 2 hours to his family's cabin to go to the Highland football game to watch Danaka cheer. He was sweet. He always asked me how the girls were doing, how I was doing. The best part is, Corey knew me and my past and had/has accepted every part of it.

His family's cabin is up past Evanston. We were talking about it one night and he had mentioned about us going up. I brushed it off as nothing. Well we then had a trip planned for memorial day weekend, and like any sappy love story it was a turning moment :)

I saw a side of Corey up there, that I didn't know existed. He was finally in an element of comfort and it showed. We spent the weekend riding for wheelers, talking, watching movies, just relaxing. He treated me like a queen. He did everything from the shopping to the cooking. He drove me an hour several times that weekend to talk to my girls. He let me have a weekend with no responsibilities to just enjoy being up there.

I have truly never met someone like Corey. I always tell him that I keep waiting for him to change in to a frog.  The way he treats me and my girls is beyond my comprehension. I didn't think it was possible to feel this way about someone again. He brings out the better sides of me. He calms me, he makes me laugh when that is the last thing that I want to do. He loves me and my girls. He always goes out of his way to make sure I know how he feels.

Where ever this journey takes us, I am going to enjoy the ride. This is the long version of the shortened version...stay tuned! I hope there is a lot more to share.

A Look Back....

5 years ago this week, my life was turned completely upside down. My marriage was ending, I was 5 months pregnant, on bed rest after years of trying and 3 miscarriages,  and an 11 year old daughter whose life was  also completely changing before  her eyes. I had no idea how I was going to pull through this, how do I help Danaka realize that none of this was her fault and that we would be ok!

It has been a grieving process for me. I know that is a weird way to compare it, but I truly feel as though something died that day. I know that what happened the day that Greg left was supposed to happen and that the "overtime you'll get over it" statement would probably ring true, but I lost so much that day. I lost my little family, I lost who I thought was my best friend and eternal companion, I lost the second family that I had the privilege of being a part of 13 years. There were days I felt great and days I just cried. There are still days that I miss certain things, but I guess that is how that process works.

The part that was so hard for me is that once again I had to heavily rely on my family, and my 11 year old. For the first 5 years of her life it was me and her, she pulled me through some pretty tough times during that stage and here she was again, without her realizing it, she was once again my rock. I got up in the morning and put on the happiest face I could for her. One day I will be able to fully explain to her what is was she did for me.

My sweet J came in to our lives that November. She was such a sweet easy going baby. Since Danaka started to begin her teenage years and the constant need to be busy, Jayci kept me busy, and my mind off a lot of "what could have been". Life was I guess as it was supposed to be and I had to come to terms with it.

Danaka and Jayci gave me a reason to smile, they gave me a reason to get up in the morning and to try and be the best mom that I could. It is amazing to me the influence and impact that children have in our lives.

As time has marched on since that July 5 years ago. Life has been rough, but life has also been amazing. I am a better person and mom than I was back then. I appreciate things that I didn't use to appreciate. I have done things to better myself, my life and the life that I have tried to give my girls.

I made the decision to go back to school. There are many reasons why I went back to school. I wanted to feel secure, I wanted to challenge myself, I wanted to prove to my girls that anything was possible, I was told over and over that is what I was supposed to be doing, and to get my mom off my back, in a good way. She was so worried about me dating that she encouraged me over and over to go to school, I think in hopes to meet someone. When I told her I finally enrolled she was thrilled, until I told her it was all online. More time at home, and more time that I couldn't devote to meeting someone. I also did online classes, because the thought of meeting new people and dating scared me. I had been on a few dates, but nothing worth writing home about. School was now my scape goat to keep me busy on the weekends the girls were gone, I had an excuse not to venture out.

Life is so good right now. I feel blessed beyond what I deserve. My girls are healthy, for the most part we are happy. They are both thriving at everything they do. They love me which is more than I could ask for. I have a family that supports me, loves me and helps me in any way that they can, friends that have stood by me and supported me, and I have met or should I say have been re-acquainted with someone who has become my best friend and someone that I could see spending forever with (that is a story that I will pick up later).

This post is to more or less start my story again, to thank everyone who has helped me through my life and for me to remember that I have made it through and I can begin to close this chapter as another is opening up.

Christmas

We had such a great Christmas this year. I am so grateful for the opportunity to just watch my girls excitement, that to me is what Christmas is all about.

A funny thing happened, Jayci has been begging me every day, for I don't know how long, about going to Disneyland. I finally just had to tell her that I didn't have the money to take her and one day when my prince charming walks through the door maybe then I will have enough money to take her. Well Christmas morning my parents (aka Grandma and Pappi) surprised with a trip to Disneyland in July with the whole family. They gave my girls snowglobes that had a disney character inside and a recorded message that said "Merry Christmas Jayci/Danaka, you're going to Disneyland". Jayci just stood there with this perplexed look on her face, she didn't say a word and just kept looking back and forth and me and my parents. About 2 minutes later she just looked and my parents and said, "we can't go to Disneyland, my mom doesn't have any cash". Crazy kid...she is too smart and takes things too literally.

One of my favorite gifts next to Disneyland and watching my girls, was my awesome new cake toy that my sister and my brother gave me. It is the Duff™ Airbrush Machine. I am so excited to make some more cakes and try it out. I have found my stress relief in life and making cakes is one of them.

My girls both had a great Christmas, here are just a few things that they got:

Danaka
Toshiba Notebook
Cash
Shoes
Makeup
Clothes, Clothes and more Clothes

Jayci
My First Disney Priness Carriage that turns in to a large playhouse type thing :) (like my description) Why Santa brings gifts that just cause stress over where to put them, I will have to have a talk with that WOman!
Priness dolls
Everything princess
Clothes
Books

A part of Christmas, that made me so happy, yet so sad at the same time was that Greg's parents have been called and accepted a mission to be temple workers in Navoo. I am so happy for them, but sad that my little Jayci won't be watched by them any more, and I am not going to lie, I am going to miss them. Larry and Vera are still a huge part of my life and I am so grateful for that. I love them just as if I was still a part of their family. I am so grateful for the willingness to help with both of my girls and with things that I have needed. I am so glad that they are going to serve though, I know it is something that they have both wanted very much.

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas...Here's to a new year.

There Goes My Life…

I said way back in April that I was going to start blogging more, I need to and want to, but girls, life, work and school are consuming me and some days sucking me under. I wanted to post an assignment that I had to do for my English class. We were told that we could take any piece of writing, a letter, a song, a poem, a story, anything that has touched our lives and incorporate that in a narrative essay. This was an easy topic and knew exactly what I wanted to write about. Sitting and down and actually writing it was a different story. It was hard. It was hard beyond belief. It brought back so many emotions, regrets, fears, joys, sorrows and peace. With Danaka starting high school this year it was a perfect time for this paper to be due. It is a little long but wanted to share, or make sure that I had another place that it was kept.

 

There Goes My Life

 

There I was sitting downstairs on my bed. I was 16 years old wondering what was going to happen and how I would make it through. As I sat there crying, I heard footsteps walking downstairs and my bedroom door open.

Standing at the doorway with a look that spoke volumes, my dad said "Mo, don't worry. I know easier said than done, but no matter what decision you make I will support you and help you in any way that I can. I love you" and without another word spoke he turned and walked away.

My dad spoke those words in a way that I will never forget. The only time that my nick name was used is when he was happy, and that was obviously not the case now. My parents had just found out that I was pregnant and I wasn't giving them or me much time to make a decision or prepare for what was going to happen. I was already 30 weeks along.

There were not many options that could be explored when you are 30 weeks along. Keeping the baby, or giving the baby up for adoption. All I wanted was for this to be all over, to wake up from this bad dream.

I was on drill team, I was an honor student. I had only had one serious boyfriend. He came from a strong LDS family and we were only together one time, "one time" I kept telling myself. This doesn't happen to kids like us. There was no way that this was true.

Every thought possible went through my head. If I keep the baby I can't be me anymore. No more drill team, no more dance classes, no more hanging out with friends. If I don't keep the baby, what will I think when I am no longer a teenager, what will I tell my future children and how will I explain it to a future spouse?

The next day was a day that I will never forget. There is much about that time that I don't remember, or have chosen to forget, but not this day. My parents and I walked in to a cold and uninviting place. The heavier set woman that sat at the counter looked up and said with a cold tone to her voice "what can I help you with?" Afraid to speak I looked at my mom and then at my dad and prayed for one of them to talk so that I wouldn't have to tell her what I had done. My dad told the Planned Parenthood worker why we were there. She gave me this disappointed look, like I really need her to add to what was already going on, or like I cared what she thought of me.

We walked through these doors and she asked me questions, and the one question she looked at me like "yeah right, you bet you are" was when she asked me how far along I thought I was.

She told me to go to the restroom so that we could get a urine sample to find out if I was in fact pregnant. I wasn't really showing at that time, I will still wearing my size 2 jeans, and lucky for me April can sometimes still have a chill in the air, so I got away with wearing baggy sweatshirts. One month before this day I was competing in the State Drill team competition.

I did everything she asked me to do and went and sat back down with my parents. About five minutes later she came and asked me and my parents to follow her. She sat us down and confirmed that I was pregnant. I seriously just wanted to say "really, you don't say". She proceeded to say that I would need an ultrasound to determine exactly how far along I was, because I wasn't being honest with her or myself. "Why don't you just keep throwing the punches lady, because I don't think I have had enough yet!" This is all that kept running through my mind at that moment.

She led me again, down a hallway into another room. They completed the ultrasound and confirmed that I was in fact about 30 weeks pregnant. I wanted to stand on the table and shout at the gray haired, heavy set lady wearing a very loud flower shirt "see I told you so!"

She gave us some pamphlets with information and told us to have a nice day, like we had just bought a puppy or something.

An appointment was set up with a doctor. On my first initial visit I felt comfortable for the first time throughout this whole process. My doctor, a male, which I specifically did not want, but was the only doctor available on such short notice, was right out of medical school. He immediately put me at ease. He began by telling me that he would do everything he could to help me through this and that my life as I know it was not over, but was just going to change. I could take my life in any direction I wanted. "You can rise to the challenge, or you can let it ruin you, the choice is in your hands. Have you thought about whether you would like to keep the baby or give the baby away?" I couldn't answer, and I just hung my head and shook it no.

"You know, my wife had a child when I met her. She was young when she had her baby, so to tell you that I know what you are going through and if you decided to keep the baby what you will go through is not a lie." I then saw what a blessing it had been that he was the only doctor that could fit me in his schedule.

During a routine appointment, if anything was routine at that point, it was discovered that something was not right. I was immediately sent up to the high risk unit at the U of U for more extensive tests. I remember the drive up to the U wondering what could be wrong and what was going to happen.

It was my fault that I didn't go to my parents sooner. My baby would have been ok if I would have told my parents earlier. During the ultrasound and tests people just kept repeating how lucky I was that I was ok and that the baby was ok. "You don't know how lucky you are" what choice words to say to a pregnant 16 year old. "Are you kidding, lucky? You consider this luck?"

With many tests it was determined that the baby was ok, I needed to be watched carefully, but that the baby would be fine. During the scare of health issues with me and my unborn baby, I had made the decision to keep this baby.

 

"All he could think about is

I'm too young for this,

got my whole life ahead of me,

hell I'm just a kid myself

how am I gonna raise one."

"All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well, those plans are long gone."

"There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life......."

On June 28, 1996 I had a sweet baby girl, who kept her sex a secret until the day she arrived. She weighed in at a 7lbs 11 oz. and 20 ½ inches. When my doctor delivered her via C-section, there was no "Congratulations, it's a girl", but "Where in world were you keeping her?" The delivery room had bets going on how much she would weigh, the highest weight was just over 6lbs.

When they placed my daughter in my mom's arms I remember looking over at her, and for the first time in months I knew somehow things would be ok.

Danaka was every parent's dream of a perfect baby. She slept all through the night from the night we brought her home, she was never sick, she ate, she entertained herself, and she loved me for me.

"A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah..........he loves that little girl."

"Momma's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls"

The years have marched on, I went from being a single mom, to marrying her dad, back to being a single mom and she has been with me through it all.

My daughter entered her sophomore year of high school this year. She truly is an amazing child, she is a 4.0 High Honor roll student, plays varsity softball and is the only sophomore on the Varsity Cheerleading squad. Every time I walk in to her high school a flood of memories come racing back. It was a short 15 years ago, that I stood in those same halls wondering what in the world was going to happen. Reality has set in that soon enough I will be sending her off to college, watching her get married and having a life she deserves.

"She had that Honda loaded down.
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express.
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said you're good to go.
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast."

 

"And he cried,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
I love you.
Baby good-bye."

"There goes my life" by Kenny Chesney came out in 2004. It has summed up how I felt, what I am feeling now and what I am sure to feel. Every time I hear this song it brings so many emotions to the surface, each and every day I feel incredibly grateful for Danaka and now her sweet little sister Jayci. I truly did think my life was over, but it just took a different direction. Each time I watch her dance, cheer, play ball, or just be her, I am watching "my life".

 

 

 

 

Hello There

For the 3 of you (if I am lucky) that read this, I am back. I know I have said it before, but I am making lots of changes in my life and this is going to be one of them.

My girls are growing up so fast and I always think back I should have written that down. So here is where it will all be written.

I have always thought that my blog needed to be these touching, well written posts. They needed to be long and have pictures, but then I realized they don't. This really isn't for anyone but me.

I have lots to blog on, but want each one to be their own. Stay tuned!

Day 9 of Thanks…

Day 9 of Thanks…

Today I am grateful for my mom. She is an amazing woman who would do anything for her kids and grandkids.

My mom is not only my mom, but is one of my best friends. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders and also the one that brings me back in to reality.

She has stood next to me through everything. She has hugged me, cried with me, laughed with me, complained with me and just loved me.

I have the "privilege" of bowling with my mom on Thursdays. My mom has bowled forever and about 5 years ago one of the other teams needed a sub. Well it ended up being permanent. I love that I have that time with my mom every Thursday. I wish I could bowl half as good as her, but maybe one day I will be able to throw the nasty curve ball that she does!

I love that my mom's favorite show is QVC. That is our Sunday dinner discussion about what new item was bought on QVC that morning. She loves in the Kitchen with whoever and will buy anything that is one sale. One of the items we love to tease her about is her curry lid. My mom has never made curry, but she had to have the curry lid. Maybe one day we will get some curry.

My mom keeps house like nobody else. It cracks me up when she says her house is a mess. The President could stop by at any time and it would probably be cleaner than the White House.

I love my mom and have no idea what I would do without her. It is absolutely amazing to me to watch her in everything she does, but especially the with my grandma the last 2 weeks that we had with her. Her compassion, her love, her knowledge and her acceptance was everything I hope to have one day. She took care of my grandma in way I know made my Nana proud.

I love you mom, and couldn't ask for anyone better.

Day 8 of Thanks…

This post is a planned post, today is my Dad's birthday and I needed to be "thankful" for him today.

I can't even put in to words how much I love my dad. He is the greatest guy I know. He has loved me through thick and thin and has always been there to listen, to support, to complain to, to cry to, to laugh with, and love.

He would do anything for me and I know that he is always there. I have given him a lot of heartaches and headaches along the way, but that has never changed how he felt about me.

I remember in high school when I was late coming home and he would get so mad. Most of those nights came he had to come looking for me and they ended with me flying up the drive way and running down the stairs to my room before he could get out of his car. I remember thinking "just chill" its only a half hour late. But being a parent of a teenager now, I know it was more a fear thing that something may have happened.

There were many times my dad should have killed me, 1 time being when me and my friends took my sister's car when I was in 8^th grade. Well we were going to take it until I knew that my parents would find out. I got about half way down the driveway when I decided that it wasn't a good idea so I pulled back in. Only my foot never came off of the gas and I crashed in to the garage wall. I ruined a couch, a stereo, scratched the heck out of my sisters hood. They were getting ready for a garage sale, but lets just say after my stunt, the dumps was the only place that would take anything that was in front of that car. I thought for sure I was dead. After my mom "found" me at my friend's house we pulled in the driveway. I said my peace and waited for the worse, but all he said was "nice job slick" here is the shovel go clean up the dog S^*#! Funny times huh dad!

Another time with my dad is when I rear ended a truck after I had had my license exactly 1 month to the day. I remember calling him from the payphone thinking he is going to kill me, but the only thing of that entire conversation I remember was him asking me if I was alright, where I was and that he would be there as soon as he could.

One of the biggest moments in my relationship with my dad is when my parents found out I was pregnant. I didn't give them much time to take it all in. I was 33 weeks they found out. That night I was downstairs in my room crying because I had no idea what to do. My dad came down stood in the doorway told me how much he loved me and would support me in whatever decision I made concerning Danaka.

My dad is such an amazing guy that has overcome everything thrown at him. I won't go into detail, but my dad was the White Sheep in a black sheep family. How he did what he did absolutely amazes me. I love him so much and am so glad that I get to call him mine! Happy Birthday Pa, I love you!

Day 7 of Thanks…

Day 7 of thanks…

Topic for the big number 7 is my house. Really? I forgot I put that in. But I am grateful to have a roof over my head.

I like my house. It is old and needs some things done to it, but I can call it mine. I love having a place where me and my girls can go to escape the world.

My house was built in 1954 and has only had 2 owners. Me and the lady we bought it from. Erma (the lady we bought it from) said when she sold it she just wanted someone to love it as much as she did. That I do. I love that it is close to all 3 schools that my girls will go to. It is about 3 minutes from my parents, Greg's parents are behind us and we live in a great neighborhood.

I have been in my house since January of '04. Last year for Christmas, Santa brought me a new bathroom. It is fun to have a new room in the house. I am hoping to start doing some more things around the house to change it up.

Day 6 of Thanks…

I am so glad that this topic was picked….topic for Day 6 is Dance

I love to dance. I am not the world's greatest dancer, nowhere even remotely close or even pretend to be.

I have been given so many amazing experiences because my mom and dad decided they needed me out of their hair for awhile when I was 3 J

I learned tap, jazz, ballet, pointe, and hip hop. I loved that I learned a little of everything. It truly has helped me along the way to not specialize in 1 style.

I have danced in so many different groups. I danced for Pamela's dance studio growing up. Pam pushed and pushed us to be "our" best. She is an incredible teacher and a person. I am so glad that I still get to have her around now. She is actually Jayci's teacher this year and I love it.

I danced at Dance Biz. I loved dancing there. I only danced there 2 short years, but there is not a time that Diane Powell doesn't walk up and hug me when she sees me. One performance that really stands out is the Christmas Performance at Shiners Hospital. I was only in 8^th grade and I left that performance just crying. Crying because I was healthy enough to stand there and dance for them and those sweet kids loved every minute of it and just kept saying Thank You. I will never forget that feeling.

I danced all through school. I was on Dance Club at Brockbank, and yes I know you will all be jealous when I tell you I was President my 9^th grade year ;) I was a Spinnaker all 3 years at Cyprus. Spinnakers taught me so much discipline and pushed me far beyond what I ever thought possible. We were able to perform at the ceremony when they announced the Olympics for Salt Lake. I danced in California and Hawaii. I loved it. My senior year I was on Dance Company. I loved being able to perform all the different styles again. Concert was absolutely amazing. I can't even remember how many numbers I was in, but the thrill of concert will never be forgotten.

The best part about dancing, is the being able to now teach. My sister has given a wonderful opportunity to teach at her studio Jazzle Dazzle. Each week I get to teach 14 sweet young girls how to dance, and to love it! I also had the opportunity to teach dance when I lived in North Carolina. It was so fun to learn the different things that they learn back there.

I am so glad that my girls share my love for dance. Danaka is turning out to be an amazing dancer. It will be fun to watch where her talent takes her. This is Jayci's first year and loves it. She will even show you her "shuckle step" if you ask.

Day 5 of Thanks…

Day 5 of Thanks…

This topic is a hard topic for me. the topic that was picked is Larry and Vera (Greg's Parents)

I really am blessed to have the relationship that I do with Larry and Vera. I still live behind them, and we are in the same ward.

Larry and Vera watch Jayci 2 ½ days a week, and watched Danaka when she was younger. I am so grateful for their willingness to help out.

Even after everything that has happened, Larry and Vera still make me feel welcome and are always there to help when needed. They still remember me on holidays and birthdays. They go out of their way to show that they still care about me and love me.

They love my girls so much and I am so glad that my girls still get to see them all the time. If it wasn't for the fact that we live where we do and that they watch J, I am not sure how much my girls would get to see them. My girls need that interaction, because Larry and Vera and truly great people and great grandparents.

The reason why this topic is so hard, is because, to be honest, there are days when it is hard to see them. I love my relationship Larry and Vera, and still feel like I can talk to them as if I were still a member of their family, but then I am reminded that I am not a part of their family and that makes me so sad. I loved being a part of the Turner clan, not just because of Larry and Vera but because of his sisters and brother-in-laws, his nieces and nephews, his "other" sister Cyleste and all of his extended family. I love them all, and am grateful for the time that I was able to be a part of their family.